Light Up the Night

Last year, I wrote about attending a Protomen concert on my birthday. Well, they came back to my area this year, this time the day after my birthday. Once again, my excellent friends got MLW and I tickets to the show, and this time, everything was better than last time.

Is there no one who values courage over life?

When some friends came over for a party on the weekend before my birthday, they brought along some awesome gifts. One of the things I got was this:

Tickets for me and my lady to go see one of my favorite bands of all time, The Protomen. I have written about the Protomen on this blog before, so you can guess how excited I was to see them live. I spent the next couple of workdays listening to the Protomen albums back to back nonstop. When it was time to go to the concert, one of our friends gave us a ride. As we crossed the bridge into San Francisco, the sun was setting behind the city, making the buildings look like black silhouettes with shining windows. It felt very much like we were entering the Protomen world.

Your New Crush

One of my friends recently told me about a group of history teachers in Hawaii who have a Youtube channel where they do covers of pop songs that change the words to history lessons.

This is the first song I saw, which is really good:



Now, setting a song about the French Revolution to the tune of "Bad Romance" is pretty good, but this is the video that sealed it for me:



Go on, tell me you don't have a crush on her now.

Added bonus: have some more awesome "Bad Romance" covers!

This one should be title Bäd Ro\m/ance:



And for my wife, for posting about crushes on other ladies (I wasn't being serious, honest). She's seen it before, but it's worth watching again:



(also, I apologize for Blogger cutting off the right side of all Youtube videos. Click through to Youtube to see them full-sized).

He Fought the Darkness. The Darkness Won.

Narrator: No one was left who could remember how it had happened,
how the world had fallen under darkness.
At least no one who would do anything.
No one who would oppose the robots.
No one who would challenge their power,
or so Dr. Wily believed...

Thus begins The Protomen, the self-titled debut of a band whose epic rock opera takes the Megaman story and turns it into a dystopian fable of hubris, compassion, vengeance, love, redemption, and hope. The songs rock hard and are full of Meat Loaf-esque emotion: everything is over the top, dramatic, and wonderful.

Somehow, the band takes a story about scientist who creates a robot boy to fight evil robots and turns it into a sprawling saga of a man trying to redeem himself by creating a robot who can stop the megalomaniac he inadvertently helped into power.

The story is complicated, though, because Megaman is the second robotic "son" Dr. Light creates. The first was Protoman, a tragic hero who fought to protect the people of the city but fell when the people of the city refused to help him in his fight.

Whereas Protoman was created as a warrior who could take down the evil Dr. Wily, Megaman was made to be a son and companion to Dr. Light in his misery and helplessness. Nevertheless, when Megaman learns of his brother's stand and noble death, he resolves to complete his brother's quest and rid the city of Wily's evil robots. Megaman rushes out while Dr. Light frantically pleads with him to reconsider and stay safe, saying, "You need to know! You are not him! His fight's not yours! You cannot win!"

Megaman goes into the city and sees how hopeless the people are. Loudspeakers constantly blare out reassuring and oppressive slogans, while the people shuffle around, dead to the world. Megaman is the one with hope. Despite what he sees, he still idealistically believes that he can fight the evil that grips the city. He stumbles across Protoman's grave and sees that someone has scrawled a message over the tombstone: "HOPE RIDES ALONE." Megaman takes it as his personal slogan, though he doesn't realize that Dr. Light himself wrote those words.

The heroic robot swears,
"And as I live
There is no evil that will stand
I will finish
What was started: the fight of Protoman!"

Megaman launches himself into the enemy robots, crowing,

"Send me the best you've got. Send me your strongest machines.
The fight my brother fought, here, now, will end with me."

As he progresses, littering the ground with the wreckage of robots, he sees the leader of the enemies up ahead. Though Megaman cannot see him clearly, there is something strangely familiar about his opponent's shape.

What happens next is tragic and epic and rocks very, very hard. I won't spoil it, (though you've probably already guessed part of it), but I should add that if you listen to the album, you're only getting half the story: you should read the Protomen lyrics and liner notes as you listen to the album to know who's talking and what they're doing.

I highly recommend giving The Protomen a listen. The music rocks, the story is epic, and you don't even have to be a fan of Megaman or SF to enjoy it (though it certainly doesn't hurt).

There is a second album that tells the story of how the city fell under Dr. Wily's control. All Protomen fans should check it out if they want to know the full arc. It also has some of the best songs on either album, so there's that, too!

Requiem for an iPod

Alternate titles to today's blog post:
The End of an iPod
All Good iPods Must Come to an End

Above: A boy and his iPod

My iPod was a gift from some college friends. One of them had a brother with an iPod that had been dropped and wasn't working. Her brother had another iPod, so he had no use for this one. She asked around to see if anyone else could make use of the discount Apple offers on a new iPod if you exchange a broken one. So I took her up on the offer, and she sent me the iPod.

I took it to an Apple store to get the replacement. They asked how long it had been since I had charged it. "A while,"I stammered, fearing that if they found out about the switcharoo, they'd refuse the discount. They said that sometimes charging it from a computer wasn't enough, and you have to plug the iPod directly into a power socket. They asked if I had a wall charger, and I said no, I didn't even have the charging cord.

Meanwhile, they stuck my iPod into one of the docks where they demonstrate the machines, and this scraped, scuffed, and dented machine looked pretty hilarious surrounded by the pristine show models. I was convinced that nothing would happen, but I went along with it all so that I could get my discount. Then the Apple logo came up. I was sure the device wouldn't actually play music, so I started trying to bring up a song. I must have looked pretty hilarious, trying to use this device that was supposedly mine, when I didn't even realize that you don't have to actually push down on the scroll wheel for it to work.

The Apple employee ignored the fact that I had clearly never used an iPod before in my life and took over, helping me start a song. As she scrolled through the list of artists, I suspected that either my friend had her own music on the iPod or her brother had a rather feminine taste in music¹. She ended up at an Enya song, as I thought to myself, "Yep, I sure do love me some Enya." She started the song and I unplugged some headphones from a display model and plugged them into the machine. Amazingly, music came through. The employee told me to let it charge for a while, then take it home.

I dutifully waited there, listening to my Enya, then when it had charged for a while I bought a wall charger (and a cord that it turned out I didn't need, because the wall charger box contained one). I went home. iPod acquired.

At first, it seemed to work perfectly. But then, starting from the first time I fully charged it from my computer rather than plugging it directly into a power strip, it started to pick up some odd quirks. These included:

• An odd "stutter" that would move randomly through the menus or crank the volume up and down manically, depending on which screen I was on.
• Freezing randomly, including stopping all audio. Sometimes this lasted until the batteries gave out.
• Pretending that it hadn't just been plugged into a computer when clearly it had. It only ever did this with computers other than my own. Maybe it was shy?
• Going silent in the right stereo channel (right ear bud) unless pressure was applied to the headphone jack
• And, just recently, going silent in both stereo channels unless that pressure was applied, and even then sometimes only coming back in one channel.

I plan on continuing to use the iPod until it breaks completely, and then I don't know if I'll be buying another one. Maybe I'll look into less name-brand mp3 players. But this one's certainly on its last legs, and now I have to decide when its psychoses will become too much for me to put up with any longer.

1 Come to think of it, this brother may have been the same one that apparently liked Twilight. Maybe it really was his music!

Final NIN Dates

This is it, folks. The end of NIN. I cannot remember a time when the "NIN" logo wasn't cool. I still remember seeing it on the boxes of nailgun ammo in Quake and knowing, without ever having heard the band, that Nine Inch Nails is awesome.

I saw them live during the "Lights in the Sky Over North America" tour, but I gave "NIN|JA" a miss. From the sound of it, LitSONA was the better tour. Even Trent sounds a bit disappointed by NIN|JA.

Anyway, enough about that. Go read what Trent has to say here.

White Wedding: Literal Version

I found out about this thanks to Wil Wheaton recently linking the literal Take on Me video. Personally, I prefer the White Wedding video:

White Wedding: Literal Video Version - watch more funny videos

Fetch Me My Blade and Let the Music Begin

Last week one of my friends from high school visited, so we went to Amoeba to try to find an awesome metal CD. Like so many cultural festivals before it, the Metal CD Project seems to have become nothing more than a way to amuse the tourists. Or perhaps I used the opportunity to justify spending money on a CD based solely on its album art, album title, band name, and song titles? Either way, we hunted through Amoeba's offerings and I came up with four CDs. I ended up returning two of them a few days later, as I had bought them both new and ~$15 is way too much for a CD. These are the CDs I found:

Black Cascade, by Wolves in the Throne Room

I already own a Wolves in the Throne Room CD and I consider it to by my favorite find from this project so far, so I decided to buy another one. The cover is good and the title is cool, but I decided that, since I already own one CD by Wolves in the Throne Room, I couldn't justify spending so much money to get another one. So with a heavy heart I returned the CD, and now I will wait until it is available used.

Symbols of Failure by Psycroptic

Oh man, the album art on here is phenomenal! Google revealed that the album arsist is Par Olofsson, who is extra awesome because he shares a first name with my Planescape character.
Both the front and back images of the album are available on Psycroptic's Media Page, and they're definitely worth downloading.
Their song titles are also cool, like "Missionaries of a Future Time to Come." In the end, I decided against keeping this one because it was more sci-fi than swords-and-sorcery fantasy. If it's ever available used, you'd better believe I'll grab it in a heartbeat.

The Ultimate Destroyer, by Lair of the Minotaur

This was the one used CD I bought, and I was happy to take the opportunity to own another Lair of the Minotaur CD for only five dollars. It sounds like more of the same: loud, driving metal. Generic, mindless fun.

Finally, I give you the winner. One look at the album cover should reveal why I absolutely had to keep this album and declare it my latest selection in the Metal CD Project. So here it is. The Last Alliance, by Battlelore:
My word, people. Do you see this guy? Just look at that helmet! That sword! That ragged cape! This man is metal incarnate. Then, as an added bonus, the lyrics booklet features a quote from a Tolkien story (either Lord of the Rings or the Silmarillion) before every song. And you don't get more metal than Tolkien references.

It looks like most of Battlelore's albums have great art, especially this one, which deserves bonus points for being entitled Where the Shadows Lie:

I can't top that. Rock on.

How to Introduce Songs at Live Shows

Ah, this is a song called "Killers," this one. Yeah. Give me some bad dreams, this one.
--Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson, introducing "Killers" at a live show

The first concert I ever went to was by Jethro Tull, and I've been to several more Tull shows since then. Ian Anderson (the guy in charge of the band, which doesn't actually have a member named Jethro Tull) always talks during the show, bantering with the audience and introducing songs. Sometimes he alludes to the songs before announcing their titles, so that the hardcore fans will know what he is talking about before the others do. For instance, he might say, "You know, people sometimes ask me when Gerald Bostock will write his next poem..." and the fans immediately know that he is referring to "Thick as a Brick."

I think this is an awesome way for a band to connect with its fans, and it sets the live performance apart from listening to the album at home. When I went to see Nine Inch Nails, I was disappointed by how little Trent Reznor talked between songs. He mostly launched from one song to the next, sometimes alluding to which album the next song would be from. Of course, Nine Inch Nails is amazing live thanks to the awesome stage show they put on, so maybe they don't need audience banter to make the experience worthwhile.

What do you think? Should bands take the time to talk to their audience at live shows, or is it something that's cool, but not vital? Also, is there a band that you think does an especially good job at talking to the audience, or a certain introduction to a song that you think is great?

Cheerio!

Raise a tankard to Alestorm, the Scottish Metal Pirates!

I want more wenches
Wenches and mead
I want more wenches
Lots of wenches is what I need
--Alestorm, "Wenches and Mead"

While this does not properly belong to the Metal CD Project, I could not resist writing about this excellent band. The CD was bought as a New Year's gift for a piratical friend. Once we saw that one of the songs was "Nancy the Tavern Wench," and this piratical friend of ours happens to have a piratical wench wife named Nancy, we couldn't help but pick it up for them.

The CD is Captain Morgan's Revenge, by the Scottish Pirate Metal band Alestorm. As you can imagine, it's pirate-and-beer themed, which was the whole reason we bought it. As an added bonus, the songs are great, and have been aptly described as "metal sea shanties." Some of the songs are good, rollicking drinking songs ("Nancy the Tavern Wench," "Captain Morgan's Revenge") while others are more straight-up rock ("The Huntmaster" will remind you of an infamous Nightwish song).

Of course, the real stand-out on an already great album is "Wenches and Mead." When I saw the title on the back of the CD, I was just happy that there was a song out there called "Wenches and Mead." When I actually listened to the song... it was everything I had hoped for.

So whether you're a cutlass-swinging, rum-swilling pirate or a ninja-loving pansy, you owe it to yourself to check out Alestorm. I haven't had this much fun with metal since I got into DragonForce, and that's about the best recommendation any band could get.

Coolest Music Videos Ever?

Lyrics:

Мой парень снова влип в дурные дела
Подрался, наглотался какой-то мути
Он так меня достал и я его прогнала
И я хочу теперь такого, как Путин

Такого как Путин полного сил
Такого как Путин чтобы не пил
Такого как Путин чтоб не обижал
Такого как Путин чтоб не убежал

Я видела его вчера в новостях
Он говорил о том, что мир на распутье
С таким как он легко и дома, и в гостях
И я хочу теперь такого, как Путин

Такого как Путин полного сил
Такого как Путин чтобы не пил
Такого как Путин чтоб не обижал
Такого как Путин чтоб не убежал

My boyfriend is in trouble once again:
Got in a fight, got drunk on something nasty
I've had enough and I chased him away
And now I want a man like Putin

One like Putin, full of strength
One like Putin, who won't be a drunk
One like Putin, who wouldn't hurt me
One like Putin, who won't run away!

I've seen him on the news last night
He was telling us that the world has come to crossroads
With one like him, it's easy to be home and out
And now I want a man like Putin

One like Putin, full of strength
One like Putin, who won't be a drunk
One like Putin, who wouldn't hurt me
One like Putin, who won't run away!

The English lyrics (all I've been able to find... good luck understanding the second verse)
My boyfriend is dumb, he smokes and he’s drunk
My boyfriend is dumb, more than Powers Austin
I told him get out, I need a new boy
I thought and I know he must be like Putin.

He must be like Putin, that to begin
He must be like Putin, then I’ll give in
You must be like Putin, there’s just one way
You must be like Putin, you’ll not run away.


Here's a bit of background from this blog:

Five years ago a mysterious Russian all-girl group, called Poyuschie vmeste , came out of nowhere with a catchy tune devoted to the Russian president called "Takavo kak Putin" ("I want someone like Putin"). The lyrics are about their regular boyfriends, who get stoned and have too many fights and don't look after them properly. They've had enough of that and are now looking for a man just like Putin.

But where did this girl band come from? No one had ever heard of them. Their CDs weren't for sale and the Russian radio stations didn't seem to know where the their copies had come from either.

Then it was revealed that the band's promoter was a press secretary from the Russian supreme court. The speculation was that the tune had been manufactured by the Kremlin spin doctor's in aid of the "Putin Cult Project".

I have to say, this is some of the coolest propaganda I've ever seen.

Sir Trent Reznor and the Nails that are Nine Inches in Length

I attended Friday's showing of Sir Trent Reznor and his sound apparatus. It was my understanding that he would be producing songs using nails of just under ten inches in length, but instead my senses were assailed by a show consisting of every sort of sound and light spectacle! It was truly a daunting experience.

Sir Reznor must be a mesmerist, for I found myself unable to control the motion of my head, which rocked forward and back in time with his music in a most singular fashion. At times, I was even impelled to "throw the goat," as they say, and "rock out" with little thought to personal embarassment.

It was a most fantastic show, with highlights being "March of the Pigs," "Terrible Lie," "Closer," and "1,000,000." Unfortunately, I was unfamiliar with the songs from the "Year Zero" album, as I did not yet own a copy. I have remedied that now, and I am working to familiarize myself with the songs on that album.

Shall We Throw the Goat Once More, Chaps?

Ah yes, I have again entered the local music-selling boutique for the purpose of acquiring an electronically recorded disc of sufficiently metallic properties. With the intrepid help of a friend of mine and her sister, I was able to choose not only a new recording for my project, but find several additional albums worthy of note and mention in this log.

Without any further ado, allow me to present the winner: Lair of the Minotaur's "War Metal Battle Master."

It has proven especially difficult to decide on a single track title as being the best on this album, so please allow me to share instead the entire track list, with my comments:

Horde of Undead Vengeance (Generally agreed to be superior to regular vengeance in nearly every way)
War Metal Battle Master (With the word "metal" in the title right there, in case any would dare say this album is not metal)
When the Ice Giants Slayed All (Think of a boring anecdote you have had to listen to many times. Would it not be improved if it began thusly?)
Slaughter the Bestial Legion (About time, I say. They've been in need of a good slaughter for a while now.)
Black Viper Barbarian Clan (Cut at the last moment from Diablo II, they now finally have their time in the sun.)
Assassins of the Cursed Mist (I can only assume that the assassins come from the cursed mist, and are not attempting to assassinate the cursed mist itself, as that would be somewhat less metal.)
Doomtrooper (George Lucas's favorite track.)
Hades Unleashed (A solid, simple track title to end on)

The music itself combines throaty, growled vocals in somewhat staccato delivery with more screeched, though still somewhat throaty, parts. The guitars and drums are suitably metal, and the album as a whole solidly embraces its genre.

The cover is simplicity itself, focusing on a horned helmet so firmly rooted in the swords-and-sorcery fantasy genre that you can almost see its stat bonuses.

If any doubt remains in your mind that the band members have played their fair share of Dungeons and Dragons, please see this video. I must warn you that the video is unsafe for work in more ways than one.

This does not conclude my report. As you recall, there are several more albums that deserve mention! Let us begin, then, with "Effortless Regurgitation...", by Regurgitate.

That image should give you something to work with if you intend to attempt the activity named in this album's title.

This album, it turns out, is the band's previous album "Effortless Regurgitation of Bright Red Blood," with additional tracks.

Beyond the cover, what earned this album its place in this list was its truly inventive and gut-churning song titles. To those of you with delicate constitutions, I must recommend skipping this list and going straight to the next review.

The best (or possibly worst) song titles were:
Torsion of the Testicle
Worm Eaten Rectum
Purulent Discharge From the Urethra
Cloudy, Grayish Vomitus
Bulging Vaginal Septum
Phrenetic Chainsaw Slaughter of a Crippled Infant
Forced Abortion Through the Rectum
You can see the full track listing here.

My problems with this album are twofold. First of all, it seems to have completely abandoned the fun that comes with metal. Metal is supposed to make a good soundtrack for dragon-slaying, rather than simply being an overuse of a doubtless very embarrassed thesaurus. Secondly, I previewed some of the songs at the store, and they seem to have taken the idea of "Effortless Regurgitation" as a business model, as every song I listened to sounded exactly the same, with a slightly different lead-in.

Moving on, then, we come to "Of Beatings & the Silence In Between" by Chthonian.

Not much more to be said for this album, though. The title is brilliant, and there are some decent track names, especially "Weep Human, Weep," they do not show any real inventiveness.

Also, "Larvae, Nymph, Decay" is a good, though somewhat head-scratching, title for another song.

Unfortunately, the cover is far too classy to qualify.

Moving right along, then.

Here we have "Pro Patria Finlandia" by Impaled Nazarene. A good, play-it-safe name for a black metal band, with a confusing, potentially jingoistic title for the album.

The winning song title here was, without a doubt, "Goat Sodomy." In fact, looking at their other albums, we noticed that they had something of a goat theme going on. We chuckled a bit over this, but as I was working on this article I saw that the blog "Lugar de Obscuridad" lists goats as one of the band's lyrical themes.

So it's not just us, then.

Again, like Chthonian, the cover was just too classy to win. To paraphrase Ramgar from the sadly defunct web comic Chainmail Bikini, "This ain't no fine art workshop!"

So we move on once more to another band, Dead Raven Choir. Well, that's about all I have to say for them. There is a band called Dead Raven Choir. I am filled with awe and jealousy, having never been able to come up with a band name that awesome when playing Rock Band.

So we move on to Cattle Decapitation, with their album Homovore, featuring the song "Colostomy Jigsaw Puzzle." I challenge you to say that out loud without laughing.

Of course, this band seems to have once again gone the route of "create truly revolting pictures and titles" rather than "create something one can headbang to while playing D&D," so it really doesn't fit into the category of metal that I prefer.

That said, one of their albums is called "Humanure."

Its cover has to be seen to be believed.

Well, it essentially looks exactly as one would expect the cover to an album entitled "Humanure" would look. Needless to say, it is unsafe for work.

Maybe you are wondering what I would consider a good dragon-slaying, dice-rolling, head-banging cover to look like.

I give you: "Thrash Metal," by Blood Tsunami.

This was a very strong contender for the final purchase. I think the cover's similarity to one of the previous winners might have cost it the game, though.

That said, "Thrash Metal" does have "I Pledge Agrievance." Heh. The others aren't great, though "Dragon Pie" deserves a mention. It has the word "Dragon," after all, but the word "Pie" makes me think of little old aunties. I cannot imagine a group of wizards, warriors, and thieves celebrating their epic victory by cooking up a lovely dragon pie. Dragon burgers, sure. Dragon jerkey, wonderful. But dragon pie? Not so much.

Let's end strong. I give you Nomans Land and their album "Raven Flight."

I would be hard-pressed to find a better cover to an album. Also, the title "Raven Flight" is brilliant, and the band name, while hard to make out in that font, isn't bad, though I'm forced to wonder why they chose to break it up the way they did.

The song titles are all good and solid, like "To the Far Lands," "Mjolnir" and "Dragon's Grin." Unfortunately, there is no single song title that raises itself above the "good and solid" into the ranks of "quite inventive" or "definitely metal." After all, if I had a dollar for every time "Mjolnir" appeared in a metal song, well, I could probably buy many, many more of these albums.

So there you have it, my latest foray into the world of metallurgical electrogrammaphonic recordings. What do you think? Shall we throw the goat once more?

More on this movie; Also: A Gruesome Find

Because I know you're not bored of this movie yet...

...Colin Firth is going to be playing the absent-minded genius scientist.

Also, if you'll remember my CD collecting project, today I cast back to those good old days and, to celebrate my paycheck, stopped by Amoeba for another crack at it. The CD I ended up getting was....

Of Blood and Nobility, by A Gruesome Find
Best song title: Among the Smouldering Remains

This was, believe it or not, the first CD that I saw in the rack today. It was love at first site. Er, I mean, it was brutal hatred and loathsome disgust at first sight. I mean, look at that cover. An evil warrior in dark armor, with glowing red eyes, swings a mace from the back of his demonic-looking steed. That's metal.

And now, a Steampunk review:

I have recently been given the opportunity to listen to a new set of grammaphonic recordings of the latest experiments of Lord Mininger, Naberius, Lord Albrecht, and Lord Cessna. Strange, I do not recall seeing them at the House of Lords before.It seems that these gentlemen have invented a new form of surgery, and have recorded several of their early operations for posterity. The fast-paced tapping sound of the strokes of their steam-driven galvanic engine combine with the distorted electrics of the articulated pneumatosurgical operating apparatus, though they cannot drown out the bizarre growls and shrieks of the patients.

What? Er... music? No, I do not recall hearing any music...

Steampunk aside, the music is quite good. Based on the cover design, I expected another half-assed job like Inquisition, but the design of the CD case is very professional, and the music sounds polished. It's generic, sure, but these guys know what works. It's also nice that two piano pieces are thrown into the mix. All the other songs sound the same, with manic drumming, fast chords repeated endlessly, and lyrics that alternating shrieking and bellowing, but these two songs are actually quite nice.

For some reason, iTunes imported the track "Into the Realm of Darkness" as "Intro The Real Of Darkness." Still sounds good, though.

My Electrogrammaphonic Recording Collection Adventure

When I first came to the place of my current residence, I resolved to go down to my local merchant in audioautorecords and buy a new electrogrammaphonic recording with every paycheck I got. Rather than taking the usual route and seek out albums that I knew to be good, or at least from artists I enjoyed, I decided to take a rather more puckish approach to it. I decided to buy albums based entirely on four criteria:

1. Cover artwork
   
2. Band name
3. Album title
4. Song titles

Another rule was that I could not have heard of the band previously.

The result was quite fun, though obviously rather draining on my bank account and time-consuming to boot. I have therefore let the project slip of late, and now I think that it is time to finally put the whole thing to rest. So, as a sort of send-off, here are the albums I purchased, in order and with commentary:

Inquisition - Into the Infernal Regions of the Ancient Cult

Best Song Title: Mighty Wargod of the Templars (Hail Baphomet)

This one was chosen with the help of my associate bluefish, who was visiting at the time. Great album and band names, and songs like "Summoned by Ancient Wizards Under a Black Moon." Unfortunately, the songs themselves aren't quite up to snuff, and on closer inspection the cover art looks like something from the cover of a high schooler's notebooks. Not the strongest start.











Pig Destroyer - Painter of Dead Girls

Best Song Title: Blank Dice

This one is an absolute gem in terms of both album title and band name. I also thought that I was doing well when I saw no less than seventeen songs on the back: if the band was less than stellar, at least I'd be getting a lot of music for the money. Unfortunately, the songs are rarely even a minute in length, and the whole album is not even twenty minutes long.

However, one nice surprise was that their book of lyrics, which clearly has no connection with what they are singing, has some very imaginative and disturbing poems in it. I especially enjoyed Rejection Fetish.

At this point, I was seriously considering giving up the whole enterprise....




Amebix - Arise!

Best Song Title: Axeman

...so I cheated somewhat, and got one that was recommended by the people at the store. Amebix turned out to be quite a solid blend of punk and metal, and a fine addition to the collection. The cover is also excellent: just shady enough to make out the weapons flourished by the people in silhouette. Classy! This is the first of my purchases that I have saved permanently to my computational engine.






Trivium - Ascendancy

Best Song Title: Pull Harder on the Strings of Your Martyr

I later discovered that one of my friends knew of this band, much to my chagrin. Nevertheless, I had never heard of them, so it's a fair purchase. I should also point out that this was bought with the help of two of my friends who, to the best of my knowledge, do not have blogs, so I cannot link to them in thanks.

Their sound is sadly generic, being neither good nor bad.









God Forbid - Gone Forever

Best Song Title: Soul Engraved

This one wasn't a true entry, as it was bought concurrently with Ascendancy. It was also disqualified for having a cover that was, while awesome, too "classy" and not "metal" enough. ("Metal" in this case defined as "something to play Dungeons & Dragons to")

I found them to be about as generic as Trivium, or even more so. Still, not bad.









Wolves in the Throne Room - Two Hunters

Best Song Title: I Will Lay Down My Bones Among the Rocks and Roots

Besides having, hands down, the best name for a band in this list, Wolves in the Throne Room is also my favorite album to listen to. With only four songs, they still manage to clock in 46:16 of sound. Now that's metal! Their sound is probably the most melodic of the group, starting the album with the sound of rain.












Mastodon - Blood Mountain

Best Song Title: Bladecatcher

Rounding out the list is Mastodon, another surprisingly good album. I think that, in the end, what really killed the project was the knowledge that I had gotten lucky with the last two and ended up with better albums than I should have, which led to the realization that I would probably not be as lucky again. Well, that and the expense, of course. This album was used, and therefore mercifully cheap; if you can find it thusly, I would very much recommend you to give it a chance.





So what have I learned? Choose one of the following proverbs to finish:

• You can't judge a book...
• A fool and his money...

Do you have any suggestions of albums that you would recommend based entirely on their presentation?