Figures Fully Poseable

When my brothers and I were growing up, GI JOEs were the toy for us. Sure, we had Star Wars toys and Batman toys, but GI JOEs were the first toy line we really got into, and easily the one we had the most figures from. The best part of Christmas was receiving new GI JOE figures and vehicles, and I always weighed how expensive something was by dividing the cost by 5 to see how many GI JOE figures you could buy for that amount (fun fact: I still do).

I have seen the trailer to the new GI JOE live-action movie, The Rise of Cobra, and boy, does it look bad. I'm sure it will have lots of cool special effects, but the whole thing just looks way too slick. The whole point of GI JOE was that it was a child's fantasy: each character was a caricature, designed primarily to look cool. They were trying to sell toys, after all, and thus character design was paramount. More importantly, every character had to look different, so that kids would want them all. If the characters all had the same costumes (like they seem to in the movie), why bother buying more than one?

Which brings me to GI JOE: Resolute. Not to be confused with the upcoming live-action film, Resolute is a series of five-minute cartoons available on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim website. Written by Warren Ellis and directed by a guy who directed both Justice League: Unlimited and Avatar: the Last Freaking Airbender, this show is exactly what GI JOE should be.

I recognize so many characters, though I'm ashamed to admit that it's usually just "Hey, I know that guy! The dude with the corduroy mask! Jeez, what was his name again?" The fight scenes are larger-than-life, the villains are over-the-top, and once again Cobra Commander is trying to take over the world. Even better, the silly laser weapons and childlike non-violence have been replaced by more realistic weaponry and some proper killing. Two named characters (one JOE, one COBRA) die before the first episode even begins.

I can't talk about GI JOE without mentioning the most popular character, Snake Eyes. Apart from Cobra Commander, Snake Eyes is usually the only character people remember from the show, and he is featured prominently in Resolute. He has his own storyline, and there's a part of Episode Eight (where he fights his nemesis, Storm Shadow) that is so badass, if you don't say "woa" out loud I will be very disappointed in you. (Tycho Brahe agrees.)

So come on. The show is short, free, and easily accessible. It not only lives up to the source material, it improves it and elevates it in ways the preachy, poorly animated original could never hope to. I guarantee you this is better than the live-action movie is going to be. This isn't the show we watched on TV. This is the show we thought we were watching on TV, and the show we tried to reenact with our figures.

And now, because you knew it was coming: Cobraaaaaa!

Just kidding. Yo, Joe!

PS: One thing the live-action movie has going for it: the Baroness looks quite hot. Nerdy supervillains... yow.

They Hunger for the Flesh of the Living

Valve has released the new Left 4 Dead game mode: Survival.

If you are part of my usual zombie-slaying posse, be advised that we have our work cut out for us.

Greatest Vanity License Plate Ever

On my way to work, I often pass a car with the license plate "CONTEXT." That has got to be one of the wittiest things I have ever seen.

How to tell Deadpool apart from Bullshit

It seems that some people do not know how to tell the Marvel Comics character Deadpool apart from bullshit. Here is a handy visual reference for those people:

Deadpool:


Bullshit:

Demoted!

Now I'm back to being the Lord Admiral of Her Majesty's Airship Fleet. Alas!

Thanks to all of you who congratulated me on my (temporary) promotion. Your warm turds words were too kind.

Lord Admiral has been promoted!

Good day to you all, gentlemen and lady readers of this fine interblog! I am happy to announce that, following a recent audience with Her Majesty, I have been promoted from the lowly position of Lord Admiral of Her Majesty's Airship Fleet to the much more dignified Lord Admiral of Her Majesty's Privies.

No longer do I have to spend endless hours inspecting the flying deathtraps of our empire. Not another moment must be wasted soaring over our fair nation in one of those windbags. Now, I can spend my time relaxing on the loo, knowing that I am doing my part to keep our great nation sanitary and comfortable. Truly, this is a momentous step ahead for your humble friend the Lord Admiral.

As astute readers have no doubt observed, I am extremely happy with Her Majesty's choice. Any rumors to the contrary are to be dismissed as hearsay. I know that I should not pay these rumors any mind, but I think I shall take a moment to squash one particularly hurtful story.

It is in no way true that Her Majesty saw fit to promote me after I answered her question of what sort of tea I would like with "Madam, I'll tell you what type of tea I would like. I would like the type where I make out with you for, like, half an hour."

I am sure that you will all wish to congratulate me on my new position, so feel free to write me a note and flush it down the nearest loo.

Ta!